now, i've been on and off crying for a few hours now, because my heart hurts and things just aren't where i need them to be right now. there's a weight on my chest and my heart is falling deeper into my stomach. i'm trying to figure out if it's best for me to continue to work on what i need to do so that i get my mind off the negative.. or try to fix whatever is broken.
however, as that quote goes.. "some things are better left broken, than to hurt yourself trying to put the pieces back together."
it's been a long time since i've really felt this low, but i don't want it to show. too late, i already put it on my blog. and i don't really regret things in life, so i'm glad i'm venting. i've had my closest girlfriends give me advice, but for the most part, just keeping to myself. i have a headache, because all i seem to do is think, think and think. there's no time to breathe. no time to relax. it's all thinking.
and i think what hurts me the most is that i sacrificed so much for things to work, and it just backfired on me. i don't regret my time being spent. it was well worth it.
now i'm trying to figure out a way to put my time to better use. so, today.. i'll go get my nails done around 10am. then, hang out with my daddy (he's been gone for 3 weeks in china for my grandmothers 80th birthday) and then i have to pick up something from my mom, so i can return it. it's my little boys 3rd birthday today, so i'll bring him to the bakery, maybe.. get him a peanut butter cupcake or something. i love him. happy birthday, tyson bear aka "bubs" !!!!!
anyway. it still doesn't help that i'm truly hurting right now.. perhaps all the advice that i give to people about heartbreak.. i should follow it? and i don't really know what your intentions were of posting what you did on fb, but i know for sure that it didn't make me feel any better. know that i didn't move on to anyone else and i have no intention of doing so.
it didn't end on a note of anyone betraying anyone else.. but all over what was written on twitter. the power of social networking sites. i was angry and i twittered something that maybe i shouldn't have.. either way, i no longer have a significant other. now maybe in some years, when we all get older and mature, we'll reconnect and be able to pick up where we left off. maybe not. all you can do is try your best. if i know anything, it's that you will always have my heart and i'll stay by your side til the day we both die.
i am loyal & have always been. remember that.
i guess you were right in the sense that i always want to be older than i really am. the only reason i do that is because i wanted to be able to grow and prosper with you and get our lives started as soon as i possibly could. i woke up every morning next to you, praying that one day soon you'd ask me to marry you, then we'd elope and leave everything else behind. we knew what we were naming our son and daughter. where we were going to live. everything. i guess i have to remember i'm only 19 and can't predict what's going to happen at every second of the day, for the next 10 years of my life. i need something to hold on to. a drop of hope tells me things will turn out okay for me. for you. but at the same time, i feel like i died inside. my soul actually died. i learned in philosophy that people created a soul so that they can hold onto something and believe that there's something inside of you that can make you feel certain types of emotions. well, that for me is gone, because i feel like there's nothing left to hold on to.
a year and a half will do it to you, i guess. it sucks that i feel this way and i'm in this position. something tells me that maybe this time it's final. who knows. all i can do now is just wait it out. "it is what it is" and not think about anything. live life and not always know what's right around the corner. i'll miss out on life if i keep this up.
i think i'm done venting, but please remember. my heart is nothing without you. as a friend, significant other, or best friend.
this is what i remember us as-- happy.
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